The best wedding speech one-liners are short enough to land in a single breath and clean enough to work in front of grandparents. Below are 260 one-liners and puns worth stealing for any wedding speech — best man, maid of honour, father of the bride, or anyone raising a toast — compiled and mixed from dozens of real wedding-speech sources rather than copied wholesale from one list. Want a bottomless supply instead of scrolling? Our Wedding Speech Jokes Generator rolls a fresh one on tap.
When to use a one-liner
A one-liner does one of three jobs in a speech: it opens the speech before the room's attention has settled, it punctuates a story that's just landed, or it closes the speech right before the toast. Used any more often than that and they start to feel like filler — the story you're telling is still the main event, the one-liner is just the seasoning.
260 Wedding Speech One-Liners & Puns
- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
- Marriage: the ultimate duet… off-key sometimes.
- I have been looking forward to today. After all this time, he has finally admitted I am the best man.
- It's sealed with a kiss.
- Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I've known him for about 10 years, he's handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic… sorry, wrong wedding.
- Are you French? Because Eiffel for you.
- I never actually received a formal invitation to the wedding, so I hope I haven't just eaten a meal meant for someone else.
- The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn't refuse again.
- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I just want to apologise for not being an experienced public speaker. I'm probably going to spend most of the time looking at this piece of paper in my hands. Oh, it's not my notes – it's a picture of the triple vodka I'm going to down as soon as this is over.
- Getting older doesn't stop you from loving. But loving can stop you growing old at heart!
- Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.
- You’re so sweet that I cannoli be happy when I’m with you.
- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
- I'm going to get married because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.
- We’ve been through everything together: braces, bad haircuts, and that phase where we thought blue eyeshadow was a good idea.
- What kind of music do bunnies dance to at their weddings? Hip-hop.
- My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
- It's my job to give the groom the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life. The bride's most uncomfortable few minutes will come later tonight when they get back to their room.
- He stole her heart; she stole his last name.
- Marriage is finding that one person you can annoy for eternity and still be their favourite.
- You may now kiss your bae-ter half!
- I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in.
- 'Til death do us party.
- This has truly been a day to remember – he finally bought a round of drinks!
- I'm so happy to be overseeing the only five minutes of today that they didn't plan.
- Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery.
- Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
- Let's seas the day — it's shore to be one to remember!
- Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? He's trying to figure out the combination.
- To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.
- I’d like to thank the bridesmaids for looking wonderful, and the groomsmen for… showing up.
- You’ll never guess what I got you from your registry of preselected gifts!
- The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
- Marriage is a 3 ring circus: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and finally the suffering.
- Bridezilla? More like bride-chilla!
- He's really like family to me. He's like the little sister I never wanted.
- Getting married in July is pretty bold, but what else can you expect from these two sweat-hearts?
- Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but anyone who believes that clearly knows nothing about women or fractions!
- Congratulations to the pear-fect couple.
- So finally, a toast to the happy couple. Thank you for buying us all dinner today, so kind of you.
- I think we can all agree that it's been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech.
- My name is James and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but you'd do well to keep quiet – I know your secrets.
- A good marriage is like a holiday. You never want it to end.
- Donut forget to take a party favor.
- They've been together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus!
- Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
- There are two rules for a happy marriage. Rule 1: The wife is always right. Rule 2: When she is wrong, refer to Rule 1.
- I hear they met on the web.
- I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I‘d found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
- Being asked to be the Best Man is like being asked to sleep with the Queen. It's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.
- Marriage: officially a team sport.
- Before we get started, I’d like to thank the bar staff for their quick service today. Thanks to them, I have the confidence to stand up here.
- They're married! Canoe believe it?
- So where do I start? Well for starters he's handsome, witty, intelligent, he's char… charm…. Sorry… I'm having trouble reading your handwriting, you can tell me the rest later.
- Yoda best bride.
- Now let's toast to the two secrets to a happy marriage. Humour and short-term memory.
- I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that's relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes - all of your cars have been stolen.
- Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it's only hard for the first minute.
- It's love when your eyes meet across a crowded room. It's lust when your tongues meet across a crowded room. And it's marriage when your belt doesn't meet across a crowded waistline.
- Ready for a toad-ally enchanted evening?
- The bride looks absolutely stunning, the groom looks absolutely stunned!
- Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.
- I've known him for 10 years, and he's never made a good decision until today.
- They renewed each other for another season.
- "Fornication!" (Then make an awkward face, squint and look at the paper again) "Oh, I'm sorry… For an occasion such as this…"
- Marriage lets you annoy one special person for a lifetime.
- I asked him what he'd like me to say today, and he replied, 'Just make sure you keep it short!' Which, ironically, is what he said the first time he met his in-laws.
- The couple is snow in love.
- It has been a very emotional day, as some of you must have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.
- Sip, sip, hooray!
- Good evening, everyone. For those of you who don't know me, I'm the best man. For those of you who do know me – please stay quiet for the next five minutes.
- Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate something truly magical. Something so rare and fortuitous and wonderful that it simply must be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the open bar.
- It's strange to be giving a speech like this one, because my parents always told me that if I had nothing good to say about someone, I should just be quiet.
- Gabby said that when she grew up she wanted to marry the boy next door. She wasn't allowed to cross the road.
- Learn the art of selective hearing. Sometimes, 'yes dear' is the answer — even when you're not entirely sure what the question was.
- They married for better or for worse – He couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse!
- The details about the bouquet toss are still up in the air.
- I asked ChatGPT to write a heartwarming speech about the couple, but it just kept saying ‘Error: Love this perfect does not compute.'
- Marriage is all about finding that one person you want to steal the covers from for the rest of your life.
- I've known him a long time and am considered a bit of a father figure to him. I have watched him crawl around on his knees, drink from a bottle and I've cleaned up after him… but enough about the stag do…
- Tying the knot and tripping over it.
- When I think of all the people I look up to and respect… you’d be right up there. Serving their drinks.
- This tea-riffic couple is steeped in love!
- I decided to look up the groom's date of birth on the Internet to see what momentous events took place on his birthday. Unfortunately nothing much seems to have happened.
- Congrats on not dying alone!
- May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.
- I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I've attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent.
- Before proposing, he went to ask her father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing he took the hand that had spent 25 years fishing into his wallet.
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Hay there, just married!
- Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They are hard to get started, they give off foul odours, and do not work half the time.
- What did Cinderella say when her wedding photos didn’t show up? Someday my prints will come!
- May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.
- Why don't birds write their wedding vows ahead of time? They like to wing it.
- I can't 'veil' my excitement for this pun!
- I was told my job today was to make him look good… so, unfortunately, I'll need everyone to squint a bit and lower their standards.
- Here's to a lifetime of koala-ty days together.
- For those of you who don't know me, my name is the best man. My full name is actually 'would-you-like-a-drink.' For those of you who I chat to in the bar later, I'd appreciate it if you could use my full name.
- I love you pho real.
- I've been feeling quite nervous about giving this speech for some time. But I'm pleased to say I slept like a baby last night – I woke up every two hours, crying my eyes out.
- All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!
- I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man today. I was made to compete for this honour, but I was able to beat the barman over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!
- The happy couple are the perfect match. She's a geologist and he's on the rocks!
- Owl always love you!
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'
- Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?
- He clearly married up. I mean, look at her, and then look at… this situation over here.
- Why did the two cannonballs have a shotgun wedding? They were already expecting BBs.
- I'm 'knot' kidding, this wedding is pun-derful.
- I've been told not to mention any of his mistakes or embarrassments, so thanks for listening everyone, that's all from me!
- Cheers to many hoppy beers—we mean—happy years!
- I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn't take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs.
- I love you berry much.
- You're now looking into the eyes of the person who's statistically most likely to murder you. Cheers to the happy couple!
- I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits.
- I've been asked by many how I'm going to cope with my best friend being married and spending all of his time loved up at home. I'm thrilled! I'll finally be able to talk to women without him cramping my style.
- Marriage is a kind of friendship recognised by the police.
- S’more love for everyone.
- I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.
- We’re keeping the wedding casual, so consider it a lack tie affair.
- I signed an NDA before this speech, so I can only tell you the G-rated stories.
- Did you hear about the florists who got married? It was an arranged marriage.
- Put a ring on it, finally.
- Marriage is like a deck of cards—at first, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. After a while, you just wish you had a club and a spade.
- Cake my day!
- Why did the bride change her last name? Because it had a nice ring to it.
- Good evening, family and friends. I'm very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day the bride didn't plan!
- I just want to start by congratulating the previous speaker on their wonderful speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it.
- Good evening. I'm so happy to preside over the only five minutes that the bride didn't plan. Of course, I'm only joking. She went over the speech with me half an hour ago in the bar.
- What's the wife of a hippy called? Mississippi.
- How do sailors tie the knot? By sea-ling their love with a kiss.
- For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!
- It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
- A good marriage is where one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.
- Why did Einstein invite time to his wedding? Because time was relative.
- Love is blind, but wedding puns keep us seeing clearly.
- A great marriage is where both secretly suspect they were dealt the better hand, which is unfortunate for these two!
- May your marriage be so solid it could last through being on a reality TV show.
- The drinks are on us, the hangover is on you. Cheers!
- He has been so worried about getting married. In fact, he's been tearing his hair out!
- Before I begin, I must explain that, this morning, they asked me to remove anything resembling innuendo from my speech. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to go through it again, but if I come across anything risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.
- A good marriage is like a cup of coffee: warm and rich, and sometimes keeps you up all night.
- Lettuce celebrate the happy couple!
- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- Today we witnessed a unique event in history – it’s the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!
- Thank you for finally making him someone we can take out in public.
- Where do bunnies get ready for their weddings? At the hare-dresser.
- Two less fish in the dating sea.
- I'm actually quite nervous about public speaking, but at least I have something in common with the bride—neither of us knows what the groom was thinking by picking me.
- May we never forget what's worth remembering or remember what's best forgotten.
- Mint to be.
- Please put your left hand flat on the table. Please place your hand on top of theirs. Enjoy this moment, because it's the first and last time in your marriage that you'll have the upper hand.
- Gosh, what an emotional day it's been. Even the cake is in tiers!
- This marriage really is the perfect match. She likes jogging and he's on the run from the law.
- I love you a latte — words can’t espresso how much you mean to me.
- Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go 'I agree.'
- Words can not espresso how much you mean to me. It's a whole latte love!
- I’m the Maid of Honor, which basically means I’m the bride’s unpaid therapist, personal stylist, and bodyguard for the day.
- Why can't you tell a joke at a vampire wedding? The reception always sucks.
- Happily ever after… until the Wi-Fi drops.
- As part of my best man research, it turns out I'm supposed to sing his praises and tell you about his qualities. Well, I'm sorry, but I can't sing, and I won't lie.
- We came, we saw, we cake-quered.
- Life is gouda.
- As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition, I’m supposed to sing the groom’s praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I’m very sorry, but I can’t sing, and I won’t lie
- I'd like to start by congratulating them on their excellent taste... in speakers.
- What did the sea say to the newlyweds? Nothing, it just waved!
- I'm not a yes man to my wife – when she says no, I say no. It's not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets.
- Two pianists had a good marriage. They always were in a chord.
- May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old-fashioned enough to last forever.
- Getting married is great because on one hand, you get to wear a ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
- From swipe right to life partner.
- If anybody here today is feeling nervous or sick, it's probably because you've married him.
- I'm going to ask everyone to take their glasses–and for those who still can–stand and raise a glass to the newlyweds.
- Marriage: you either do or you don't.
- You've no idea how much I've been looking forward to today. After all the time I've been friends with him, they have – at long last – admitted that I am in fact the best man.
- A few months ago, they called me up and asked, 'What are your feelings on marriage?' I had to tell them that, while I was very flattered, I wasn't ready to settle down just yet.
- Pick your battles... then decide it's not worth it. You can be right, or you can be happy. Occasionally, you get to be both — but don't count on it.
- Darling, tonight you will sink into my arms and tomorrow your arms will be in my sink.
- What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married? Can’t elope.
- Let’s raise a glass to the happy couple… because I’m thirsty and this champagne isn’t going to drink itself.
- The couple were both pianists, so they had a very well-orchestrated marriage.
- 'Knot' your average wedding joke.
- I’m not saying the groom was nervous about today, but he did Google ‘Can you get a refund on a wedding?’ last night.
- To our best friends, who know the most about us, but refuse to believe it.
- All you need is love… and an open bar.
- Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn't available. So, if you can't hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing anything.
- The wedding made everyone so emotional, even the cake was in tiers!
- Marriage is like vitamins: We supplement each other's minimum daily requirements.
- I prepared a really funny speech for today, but the open bar opened 15 minutes before I started writing this.
- He’s my rock, and I’m his diamond.
- Tying the knot like a pro.
- I’m actually surprised they handed me the mic. Usually, people just try to keep it out of my reach for everyone’s safety.
- If at first you don't succeed...try doing it the way your wife told you.
- And they lived apple-y ever after.
- I don't believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won't contain anything embarrassing or controversial about him. Instead, I'll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. Thank you and good night.
- Come get some bibbidi-bobbidi-booze!
- The best thing to ever happen to a marriage is the pause-live-TV button.
- Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life… mostly by loading the dishwasher wrong.
- What looks like half a wedding cake? The other half.
- Today I caught feelings, tomorrow I catch chores.
- The fact that she agreed to marry him is proof that not only is love blind, it's also tone-deaf and has no sense of smell.
- Here come the wedding belles.
- When is the right time to get married? I don't know, what do you propose?
- Without all of you here today, it wouldn't be the same…but it would be cheaper.
- You’re the loaf of my life and my butter half — we’re really on a roll together!
- Now, I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn’t available. So if you can’t hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you’re not missing out on anything.
- I've gained a son today, and my bank account has gained a permanent vacation.
- I spent all that money, and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
- Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
- I asked the groom if he was ready for marriage… he said 'define ready.' Which felt honest.
- She stole a pizza his heart.
- You're the avocado to my toast.
- I didn't know where to start, so I thought I'd trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I'd found some really good stuff – but then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
- Let’s taco ‘bout love.
- What can I say about a person who is kind to everyone they meet? A person who is smart, gifted, stunning, successful and so much more? A top human in every situation? Well, enough about me, let’s move onto the newlyweds.
- I love this couple so much, I’m already planning my wedding to look exactly like this… just with a different groom.
- I cannoli be happy when I'm with you because you make marriage sweet.
- You may now kiss the pun.
- As the best man, my main role is to be the responsible one today—so naturally, I’m the least qualified person here.
- One love bird can't make a pun on its own…but two-can.
- I love you from my head tomatoes.
- I suppose you'll be expecting a few laughs in this speech. But I know I need to tread carefully. I swear I already heard my parents-in-law going around introducing me as her 'first husband'.
- You have a pizza my heart!
- When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.
- To my best friend… thanks for finally finding someone who isn't a total disaster.
- The wedding bouquet was missing a few flowers. It was lack-a-daisy-cal.
- A match made in pun heaven.
- He said he wanted someone who'd make him look good… so here I am, making his life choices seem genius compared to mine.
- For meow and fur-ever.
- They tied the knot, now it's time for a shot.
- I've married Mrs Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
- Life is batter together.
- Luckily we didn’t have a Runaway Bride situation. It was more like Runaway Bridal Expenses!
- Marriage is just texting each other ‘Do we need milk?’ until one of you dies.
- The odds of this working are better as a pair.
- Wedding calories don't count, right?
- I’ve heard they’ve been running a bet on how long my speech will last. I’ve put £50 on half an hour, so strap in and get comfortable.
- This wedding was out of this world! They really know how to planet.
- He stole my heart so I took his last name.
- Marriage is like a walk in the park... Jurassic Park. It's thrilling, it's beautiful, but every now and then, you're running for your life!
- We’re a matcha made in heaven.
- The dentist had strong fillings for his new spouse.
- If I start crying today, it’s not because I’m emotional. It’s because I saw the receipt for the cake.
- How do you know when a wedding is particularly emotional? Even the cake is in tiers.
- Marriage: legally binding and pun-approved.
- The fact that he ever thought she would date him in the first place just goes to show that fortune favours the bold.
- They are the perfect pierogi.
- I'm soy into you.
- My new wife says I never listen, or something like that.
- I don’t mean to sound cheesy, but I think you’re really grate.
- Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
- They say love is blind, but looking at the bride, I'd say the groom clearly has 20/20 vision… and incredible luck.
- I've been robbed before, but this one took the cake.
- Today, he made the biggest decision of his life: deciding which of us friends are banned from his house due to 'bad influence.'
- These two are a perfect pair, true sole-mates.
- I love you s'more everyday.
- Loyal, caring, sincere, honest, a great man… but that's enough about me, I'm here to give a speech about the groom!
- We're barn to be wild!
- I hear vampire weddings really suck.
- I’ve been told to avoid controversial topics, so I won’t mention the bachelor party, the ex-girlfriends, or the time we went to Tijuana.
What makes a wedding one-liner actually funny?
The format only works because it's instantly recognisable and impossibly short — a setup and a twist inside a single sentence, with nowhere for a joke to hide if it doesn't land. The best ones lean on wordplay everyone already half-expects at a wedding ("tiers," "aisle," "the whole shebang") and subvert it just enough to earn the groan-laugh. If you want jokes with more room to breathe, the Best Man Speech Jokes list has 250+ longer lines, and the full Wedding Speech Jokes guide is sectioned by who's actually speaking.