Which section should I read?

Jump to whichever role matches who is actually speaking — best man and groomsman material leans toward roasting, while parent-of-the-couple material is warmer and more sincere.

Can I mix jokes from different sections?

Yes — the general/toast section works for any speaker, and a line from another role often still lands if it fits the couple.

Is there a generator for these?

Yes — the Wedding Speech Jokes Generator lets you pick a role and roll fresh lines on tap, no scrolling required.

Wedding Speech Jokes: 350+ Lines by Role | Pranksters

Q: How many jokes should go in a wedding speech?

Two or three is plenty. The jokes should be seasoning around real stories about the couple, not the main course.

Wedding speech jokes work best when they match who's actually speaking — a best man's roast lines don't belong in a father-of-the-bride speech, and vice versa. Below are 351+ jokes sectioned by role — Best Man, Maid of Honour, Father of the Bride, Mother of the Bride or Groom, Groom, Bride, and General — compiled and mixed from dozens of real wedding-speech sources so you're not scrolling through material written for someone else's speech. Use the Wedding Speech Jokes Generator to roll fresh lines for any role on tap.

Best Man Jokes

I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes – so settle in.
It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
‘An unmarried man is incomplete, a married man is… finished. No, that came out wrong.’
The groom, remember when we were kids and you said you’d never get married? Well, I’m glad you were wrong.
You know, it’s been said that being asked to be best man is like being asked to make love to Camilla Parker Bowles.. It’s a great honour but you don’t really want to do it!
Harry is the kindest friend anyone could ask for; a man whose philanthropy knows no bounds. ‘Generosity’ should be his middle name. He would do anything for me; like helping write a section of the best man speech because I forgot about it until late last night at the bar!
All of us gathered together in this room, we've got something really important in common - none of us have got a clue what I'm going to say next!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Before I came here today one of my good friends gave me some advice on giving this speech. He said think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it's only hard for the first minute.
Keep it clean. Don’t be dropping the F-bomb in front of your best pal’s grandma!
Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history - it's the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!
‘Tom is a great guy and he will no doubt be a great husband. Any girl is safe with him. He never lets his hands wander, they’re far too busy holding on to his money.’
The bride, you’ve made the groom a better man. He even does his own laundry now!
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jason, and I am the best man. Let me just say that the groom has a splendid set of friends and to be chosen from such esteemed company was something of a surprise. And since that moment I have struggled almost daily with an uneasy sensation, which I can compare only to the first disagreeable feelings which usually precede a fit of sea-sickness.
Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Jane, I expect you had a similar experience when David asked you to be his wife.
I think we can all agree that it's been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech.
Ryan was telling me that the amazing meal this evening was charged on a cost-per-head basis, so, on the bride and groom’s behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…
Firstly I’d like to say I’m actually very nervous about making this speech. In fact, this must be the third or fourth time today that I’ve stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand…
The couple have requested that I don't share any embarrassing stories... so that's it from me! Thanks for listening!
When the guest are applauding as you stand up just gesture for them to quieten down and say, ‘What a reception!’
The groom, remember when you said you’d never settle down? Well, I’m glad you changed your mind.
Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don’t really want to do it but know you have to. You’re made to dress snappy and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn’t have a say in the life sentence passed earlier today.
The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn't refuse again.
Everyone here who knows Sophie will know that she is a wonderful and kind person, who deserves a good husband. Thank god Theo married her before she found one.
Remember to pause for laughter. And if it doesn’t come, you can tell people they were ‘supposed to laugh there’ (a sure-fire way to get a guaranteed chuckle)
I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa.
‘A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.’
I’ve known the groom since college. That’s long enough to have dirt on him, but not long enough for the statute of limitations to expire.
When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is.
I want to start by saying that, of all the weddings I've attended over the years, this one is, by far, the most recent.
My name is James and I am the Best Man. Many of you would beg to differ, but you'd do well to keep quiet – I know your secrets.
Please keep clapping and cheering to a minimum, I’m terribly hungover. I know, I know… you shouldn’t drink the night before the wedding, but I couldn’t very well let the groom drink alone, could I?
Guys, before I start, just some housekeeping notes, the venue has asked that you don't stand on any of the chairs and tables for my standing ovation.
‘Marriage is essentially being able to watch another person eat chicken wings without feeling sick.’
They say marriage is a journey. the bride, you’re in for a wild ride with the groom behind the wheel.
Best Man asks for anyone with keys to the Groom’s apartment to step forward and return them. Of course, there’s a giant line of women (Grandmoms make it hilarious). Then the call is made if there’s any for the Bride’s. It’s just her Dad.
I was told that the secret to a good speech is to start with something that's relevant to everyone in the audience. So here it goes - all of your cars have been stolen.
I’ve been worried about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out.
When I saw the bride walking up the aisle with her dad, I thought, ‘at last she’s seen sense and found herself someone with looks and money…’
Before we start, can everybody do me a favour and get up off their seats? Now can everyone take one step backward, please? Now can everyone move one step to the right? And now can everyone move one step left? Thank you. Someone told me that the key to giving a good speech was to move people, but I think they must have been having me on, because this is going terribly!
‘I am actually a little nervous doing this, luckily I already tested it in front of a tough crowd, down the local old-folks home, and I think it went down quite well. They all pissed themselves anyway.’
They say love is blind. the bride, you must have some serious vision problems.
Unaccustomed to public speaking as I am, I have been fairly nervous before today’s speeches, however Gav was very good and took me aside to help calm me, he said if I did a really good job and went easy on him, I could be the best man at his next wedding.
I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to be Best Man at Charles and Camilla’s wedding. Charles made me compete for this honour today, but I was able to beat the barman over there in rock-paper-scissors, so here I am!
If you hadn’t guessed already, I’m the groom’s younger brother. The upgrade, if you will.
Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 250 chickens, and the many, many carnations, roses and wedding coordinators who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.
‘The marriage ceremony, asks that couples take each other for better or for worse. Tom, in marrying Sarah you really couldn’t have done any better. Sarah in marrying Tom… it could be worse.’
The groom, I’ve seen you tackle many challenges, but I think marriage might be your biggest one yet.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
I just heard there was a competitive sweepstake on the length of the Best Man’s speech. I put my money on 45 minutes, so settle in…
I have no problem admitting to you all that I’m extremely nervous right now. And, as the people sitting closest to me will attest, it is actually possible to smell fear
‘When Tom met Sarah it was love at first sight. Pure and Simple. Sarah was pure and Tom was simple.’
I’ve known the groom for so long, I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t causing trouble.
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I’ve promised Dan and Anne that if there is anything slightly risqué, I’ll whip it out immediately …
Avoid in-jokes. If 75% your audience don’t understand, you’ll only be met with blank stares.
Stand up. Remove a peach from your pocket and hold it up for everyone to see. Say ‘I’m sorry, there’s been a misunderstanding on my part. I have nothing else prepared.’ Sit back down.
They say the best man’s job is to keep the groom sober and on time. I failed at both, but hey, he made it eventually!
During your best man speech, ask the Groom to put his hand over the Bride’s; then joke that it’s the last time the Groom will have the "upper hand.
Keep it concise. No one likes a rambler, especially if it’s pre-dinner or between courses.
‘Marriage is easy. It’s basically just deciding what to watch on Netflix.’
The groom asked me to be his best man because I’m reliable, trustworthy, and great at keeping secrets. Actually, it’s because his first choice was busy.

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Maid of Honour / Bridesmaid Jokes

A good marriage is where one person is always right, and the other person is the husband.
Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park
It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
When the bride asked me to be her maid of honor, I was thrilled—until I remembered that public speaking ranks higher than death on the list of common fears. So technically, I’d rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. And yet, here I am.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Let’s raise a glass to the happy couple… because I’m thirsty and this champagne isn’t going to drink itself.
They say a good speech should be like a bride’s dress: long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to keep things interesting.
Studies show married people live longer. It just feels shorter.
I’ve been practicing this speech for three months. My cat has heard it 47 times and has given it a solid two paws up. High praise.
They say love is blind, but looking at the bride, I'd say the groom clearly has 20/20 vision… and incredible luck.
Here’s to the bride and groom: may your arguments always end with ‘you’re right, and I love you.’
As her maid of honor, I promised to be honest. So honestly, I’m surprised she found someone who matches her sock organizing system.
I Googled ‘how to write a maid of honor speech’ and the first result said: keep it short, keep it funny, and whatever you do, don’t cry. So I’m about to be zero for three.
I wrote this speech like I wrote my college papers – last minute and fueled by coffee.
I want to start by thanking the open bar for giving me the confidence to do this.
We went from talking about boys in our diaries to talking about mortgages in our group chat.
May your love be like WiFi—strong, reliable, and always connected. Cheers!
I’m the maid of honor because I’m her best friend. Also because I know where all the bodies are buried.
The bride told me: ‘Just speak from the heart.’ So here goes—my heart says I need another glass of champagne.
The bride asked me to keep this speech PG-rated. That eliminates about 90% of our college stories.
May you love each other even on the days when you don’t particularly like each other. That’s the real stuff. Cheers!
May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old-fashioned enough to last forever.
Fun fact: the bride has changed her wedding Pinterest board 14 times since getting engaged. I know because I got a notification for every single one.
Marriage is like a software update. You never know if it’s going to make things better or crash everything.
We’ve been best friends since kindergarten. I still remember when she made me pinky promise to be her maid of honor. I was more reliable with this promise than the one about not dating her brother.
Best friends know all your stories. Best best friends helped you create them.
I asked ChatGPT to write a heartwarming speech about the couple, but it just kept saying ‘Error: Love this perfect does not compute.'
I prepared a really funny speech for today, but the open bar opened 15 minutes before I started writing this.
From playing dress-up to actually getting dressed up, from pretend tea parties to real wine nights…
The couple asked me to keep this speech like the groom’s outfit: stylish, classic, and preferably short.
Love is finding someone who knows exactly how you take your coffee, even if they make it wrong anyway.
We spent more time choosing the font for the invitations than I spent choosing my college major.
They’re perfect for each other. She can’t cook, and he can’t tell the difference.
I’ve been told to avoid controversial topics, so I won’t mention the bachelor party, the ex-girlfriends, or the time we went to Tijuana.
To my best friend… thanks for finally finding someone who isn't a total disaster.
I’ve known the groom for 10 years, and he’s never made a good decision until today.
When she told me she was getting married, I asked ‘to which dating app guy?’ Turns out, she met him in real life. How retro!
I knew this relationship was serious when she stopped asking me to take 47 versions of the same photo for her dating profile.
Their love language is sending each other memes at 2 AM.
If I start crying today, it’s not because I’m emotional. It’s because I saw the receipt for the cake.
We’ve been through everything together: braces, bad haircuts, and that phase where we thought blue eyeshadow was a good idea.
I’d like to thank the bridesmaids for looking wonderful, and the groomsmen for… showing up.
Love isn’t about finding someone perfect. It’s about finding someone who’s equally weird.
Marriage is just texting each other ‘Do we need milk?’ until one of you dies.
Remember when our biggest concern was who got to be Posh Spice when we played Spice Girls?
May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.
There are two rules for a happy marriage. Rule 1: The wife is always right. Rule 2: When she is wrong, refer to Rule 1.
I love this couple so much, I’m already planning my wedding to look exactly like this… just with a different groom.
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue… and something to post on Instagram.
They’re like peanut butter and jelly – one’s smooth, one’s a little nutty, and together they’re perfect.
They say opposites attract. She’s organized, he’s chaos. She’s punctual, he thinks time is a suggestion.
Here’s to a lifetime of Netflix arguments and thermostat wars.
Marriage: the only prison where you can be your own warden.
Who knew picking between eggshell and ivory could cause such an existential crisis?
Their love story started with a coffee date. Well, technically it started with three months of messaging about getting coffee someday.
They say public speaking is scarier than death. So technically, I’m doing something more courageous than the bride today.
They say relationships are about compromise. Like when he thinks the house is clean, and she pretends to agree.
She’s always been my voice of reason. Except for that time she thought bangs would look good. Nobody’s perfect.
They say marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
I signed an NDA before this speech, so I can only tell you the G-rated stories.

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Father of the Bride Jokes

I’m going to ask everyone to charge their glasses and – for those who still can – stand and raise and toast to the newlyweds.
When the bride told us she was dating the groom, we were surprised. We always thought she had better taste than that. Just kidding, son – welcome to the family!
This takes me back to the last occasion that I was called upon to say a few words at a wedding. It was twenty five years ago this December and it was my wedding to Linda’s Mum Carol. I recall being totally lost for any thing of any consequence to say. A feeling of total inadequacy descended upon me. It was a new experience to me. I was young and really knew nothing about being inadequate.
Does he have a notable hobby or support a football team? Is it part of his life or his life part of his hobby?
Funny, intelligent, kind, good-looking… my daughter definitely gets all of those traits from me.
I’ve been practicing this speech for weeks. My wife says I’ve improved – I’m now up to ‘mildly embarrassing’ instead of ‘utterly mortifying.’
Apparently, woman sub-consciously choose a husband with a character furthest from that of their fathers – and only moments earlier I heard my wife describing her new son in-law as generous, sincere and good humoured.
Welcoming him to the family – does he know what he’s letting himself in for? Or is it now much too late?
Brevity is the soul of wit – as you’ll learn on page 10 of my speech.
The bride, I want you to know that no matter how old you get, you’ll always be my little girl. the groom, I want you to know that no matter how long you’re married, I’ll always be watching you.
Linda has been a wonderful daughter to Carol and myself and at this point of our parting with her into another’s keeping we thank her for all the twenty-three unbroken years of joy that she has given us. I know she’s twenty-five, but we don’t count the first two years because there was nothing joyful about changing her nappies.
Did he formally ask your permission to marry your daughter? How nervous was he? Did he try to hide his intentions or was it more obvious than a 1980s whodunnit?
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener – Anon
In marriage, it’s important to make decisions together. For example, my wife and I decided that I would make all the big decisions and she would make all the small ones. Funnily enough, we haven’t had any big decisions come up in 30 years.
I have no doubt of Paul’s qualities as a husband, but as a son-in-law we’ll have to see. Will he pop round to see us every Sunday, or will I continue to have to mow the lawn and wash the car myself?
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up – Ogden Nash
I’ve learned that ‘wedding budget’ is an oxymoron, right up there with ‘jumbo shrimp’ and ‘act naturally.’
May I say in conclusion that Carol and I are happy to welcome into our fold two nice people not yet mentioned, but without whom Paul wouldn’t be here. No, I don’t mean the best man and the taxi driver, but Paul’s parents, already our valued friends.
All you need is love – but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt – Charles Schulz
When the bride was young, she always said she wanted to marry a man just like her dad. I’m glad to see she came to her senses and found someone much better.
Today I am the proudest man in the whole world. Seeing your daughter looking so happy and radiant is a truly amazing experience, but it is tinged with a little sadness. For those who know me well, being generous does not come natural to me. It phased me a little in the ceremony when I had to give her away.
To my new son-in-law, I’ll give you a useful piece of advice – forget your wedding anniversary once and you’ll remember it for the rest of your life.
I’m not losing a daughter, I’m gaining a son. And losing my retirement fund to this wedding.
Weddings are a marvellous excuse for a big party, and today is no exception. We have a lot of people here today – grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends… and a handful of people I recognize.
I want to truly enjoy the next five minutes, which are also in fact the only five minutes of the day that the bride has had no control over!
My daughter has her mother’s beauty, my wit, and somehow still turned out perfect.
Any good father of the bride speech should end with some wise words about marriage, and I have some specifically for my new son in law Paul. Paul, it’s only when you reach my age that you realise what it means to go home at night to a woman who gives you respect, tenderness, and affection….what it means, is that you’ve gone to the wrong house.
Marriage is not just an emotional connection, it's also about remembering to take the bins out.
I’ve always said that the bride could do anything she set her mind to. Today, she’s proven me right by somehow convincing the groom to marry her.
To start off my speech, I’ll talk about something everyone in the room has in common – all of your cars have been stolen.
Remember, the key to a happy marriage is to always admit when you’re wrong. And if you’re ever right, just keep it to yourself.
Let’s raise our glasses to the two secrets of a long-lasting marriage – a good sense of humour and a short memory!
I always knew this day would come, but I didn’t expect it to arrive so soon. I feel like I just finished paying off her braces, and now I’m paying for her wedding. At this rate, I’ll be broke just in time for retirement.
Let’s raise a glass to the happy couple. May your marriage be as strong as the drinks in your hand. Cheers!
They say planning a wedding is stressful, but I found it quite relaxing. All I had to do was nod, smile, and sign checks.
The bride has always brightened up our lives… she never did remember to turn off any of the lights.
As the great philosopher Beyoncé once said, ‘If you like it, then you should’ve put a ring on it.’ Well, the groom, I’m glad you took her advice.
Today is a really special day. You’re about to witness the first and last time anyone ever trusts me to make a speech.
The groom, I hope you know what you’re getting into. the bride has always been stubborn – she gets that from her mother, of course.
A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year – Paul Sweeney
I feel like I’m in a real-life version of ‘Father of the Bride.’ Fortunately, I’m more Steve Martin than Spencer Tracy – at least in terms of comedy, if not looks.
Our daughter has always been kind and generous. As a child she would happily share the contents of her nappy with everyone she met.
I’ve been asked to keep this speech short and sweet. So, here goes: the bride is short, the groom is sweet. Thank you and goodnight!
I love being married; I do. It’s so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life – Rita Rudner
I remember when the bride swore she’d never date anyone taller than her. Well, the groom, I guess you were the exception that proved the rule.
Giving my daughter away was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. We all know, I’m not a generous person.
They say a daughter’s wedding is the second happiest day in a father’s life. The happiest is when the last payment on the wedding is made.
They say marriage is like wine – it keeps getting better with age so as long as you put a cork in it.
They say marriage is all about compromise. So, the groom, are you ready to compromise on everything?
My daughter has asked that I don’t share anything embarrassing. So… that’s my speech over. Goodnight, folks!
I always wondered why they call it a ‘wedding reception.’ Now I know – it’s because we’re receiving all the bills.
Welcome, everyone, to my daughter’s wedding. No matter what papers she may have signed today, I’ll always be the most important man in her life.
They say a daughter’s wedding is a father’s proudest moment. Second only to canceling her credit card.
Thank you all for coming, it wouldn’t be the same without you all… it would be a lot cheaper though.
I tried to write this speech without getting emotional, but then I saw the bar bill.

Want more Father of the Bride lines? The Wedding Speech Jokes Generator rolls a fresh one on tap, no scrolling required.

Mother of the Bride or Groom Jokes

She once told me she'd never marry until someone matched her love of salted crisps and Scandinavian murder dramas. So welcome to the family, Henrik.
Mark once set off the smoke alarm making toast. I think the toaster is still receiving counselling.
Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park
He used to organize his LEGO by color and size and threaten his sister when she touched it. Maya, you're in charge of the cabinets now. Good luck.
The groom is a wonderful man. He’s kind, smart, and handsome. But the bride, I hope you’ve taught him that the magic coffee table doesn’t actually pick up his empty mugs by itself. I stopped doing that in 2018.
If she’s creative: “A Portrait of a Woman with a Crayon Habit.
A Strong Emotional Foundation: Even playful teasing is anchored in love and pride, ensuring the humor always feels warm and respectful.
Three years ago he sent me a text that just said 'I'm in trouble.' That's how I found out about Maya.
I told her money doesn’t grow on trees. She told me that’s why we have credit cards.
She gets her stubborn streak from your side, obviously.
May you always find reasons to laugh, even on the days when things do not go as planned, like the burnt toast.
The first time he told me about Maya, he said, 'She's really smart, Mom.' I said, 'Smarter than you?' He paused for too long and then said, 'Yes.' That's when I knew.
I’m not saying I want grandchildren, but I did buy an extra bedroom set… just in case.
Apparently, when she first met her new in-laws, she accidentally called her mother-in-law 'babe.' Twice.
We truly could not have asked for a better daughter-in-law… and quite frankly, we're all a little relieved someone finally took responsibility for him.
Maya, I want you to know what you're getting into. He will, at some point, suggest you both train for a triathlon. You do not have to say yes.
I’ve loved raising the groom, but I have to be honest, his manufacturer’s warranty expired about five years ago. Any breakdowns or malfunctions are now the responsibility of new management.
Don't say she's clumsy. Tell us about the time she accepted her graduation scroll with her gown tucked in her knickers.
Real-Life, Observation-Based Stories: The strongest moments come from real motherhood experiences such as childhood habits, personality traits, or family memories.
Everything good about my son he got from his father. Everything stubborn he got from me. I'm sorry in advance, Maya. It's genetic.
They say you can’t put a price on love. Clearly, they’ve never planned a wedding.
If she’s a teacher, your theme could be “Lessons I’ve Learned from My Daughter.
Conversational Delivery: The best speeches feel like natural storytelling rather than a performance, creating an instant connection with the audience.
David has developed approximately forty-seven hobbies since I've known him. Maya has seen three of them. I'd like to apologize in advance for the next forty-four.
To my son-in-law: Thanks for taking her Netflix password requests off my hands.
This is the girl who once wore ski goggles to school because she was worried about eye infections. That same girl is now wearing Dior and walking down the aisle.
In fact, the smoke alarm still considers itself part of the extended family.
I want to thank Maya for marrying him, because I was starting to run out of people to set him up with. The list had gotten dire.
Remember when you thought $20 was a lot of money? Wait until you see the catering bill.
This is the girl who lost her car in a multi-storey car park, accidentally resigned from the wrong job, and once spent 10 minutes chatting to Liam Neeson before realising he wasn't who she thought he was.
I've made fun of him for the last three minutes because I love him. I'm going to stop in a second. I just want to say one more thing first: he chose well.
I promised the groom I wouldn’t get too emotional or tell embarrassing stories. But then I saw the open bar, and I can’t make any promises anymore.
So, yes – the little girl who once tried to brush the cat's teeth with glitter glue… is now a married woman. I couldn't be prouder.
David has never, in thirty-one years, correctly estimated how long something will take. Weddings included. Which is why I was surprised he was on time today. Maya, this is your doing. Thank you.
I kept all her childhood art. The wedding planning spreadsheets will join that collection.
I would like to formally apologize to Maya for the following things he does because of me: loading the dishwasher wrong, refusing to ask for directions, and narrating documentaries out loud. You're welcome.
She’s still as bossy as she was at age five – just with better taste in shoes.
When he was four, he announced he was going to marry our dog. I'm glad we've upgraded.
She used to steal my makeup. Now she’s giving me makeup tips for her wedding.
She went from needing me to explain the internet to teaching me how to use Instagram.
She used to ask to borrow my clothes. Now she’s critiquing my fashion choices.
The secret to a happy marriage is finding someone who puts up with your weird family.
I thought I was tech-savvy until she made me download six different wedding planning apps.
Now there are two of us to remind them to wear a coat when it’s cold.
Congratulations! You now have two mothers to ignore your calls.
My son has his father’s charm, my wit, and somehow still found someone amazing to marry him.
She has more wedding planning apps than I have cooking recipes.
In marriage, the man may be the head, but the woman is the neck that turns it.
I love you both, but I am also loving the fact that the groom’s bedroom has successfully been converted into a Pilates studio. Please call before you visit.
Our mother-daughter shopping trips have evolved from Claire’s to Crate & Barrel.
My daughter wanted a fairy-tale wedding. I didn’t know fairy tales were so expensive.
I thought raising a teenager was hard… then came wedding planning.
My advice? Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. Just kidding. My real advice is to enjoy this party, because looking at the bill, this is the most expensive dinner you will ever eat.
I promised not to bring out the bathtub photos from 1998. But I do have them on my phone if anyone wants to see them during the cocktail hour. $5 a peek.
I taught her everything she knows about cooking – which explains why her fiancé does all the cooking.
To my new son-in-law: We’re not losing a daughter, we’re gaining someone to fix our WiFi.
She’s been the calmest bride ever – except for that one incident with the napkin colors.
To the happy couple – may you be as happy as my credit card company is today.
To my new son-in-law: Welcome to the family. I promise to only call three times a day.
I thought I was done being her personal assistant after college. Then came wedding planning.

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Groom Jokes

My wife says I'm too competitive. I told her I already knew that.
A wise man once said, “I don’t know. Ask my wife.
The types of humour to avoid at all costs
I’ve been feeling quite nervous about giving this speech for some time. But I’m pleased to say last night I slept like a baby – I woke up every two hours, crying my eyes out.
Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.
I asked my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
Expert delivery advice from the Speechy team
When it comes to talking about my bride's good points, where do I start? She’s intelligent, generous, hard working, popular and a brilliant judge of character.
My wife says I never listen... or something like that.
The first-date – Who knew a ‘small’ glass of Rioja could ruin a whole shirt?
I feel very fortunate to have married Linda. None of you will know this, but I've actually been congratulated already. 'Paul,' my father said to me, 'Well done! You will always look back on today as the happiest and best thing you've ever done.' Fitting words, I thought, as I set off for my stag night.
Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch, all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
I mentioned her competitive streak – she even wanted to out-toast me. Cheers to that.
Today is rightly the happiest day of my life, and it will continue to be a date that I will cherish and celebrate as each year passes. And to ensure that I always remember this date as my special anniversary… just once, I shall forget it.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
What makes you two weirdly perfect?
Before I begin, please can we ensure that all the aisles and fire exits are kept clear throughout the reception. There’s a medical team waiting outside the building and I’d like them to have a clear run when my father in-law is presented with the final bill.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me, "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace." So, I bought her nothing.
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Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. I had prepared a superb speech for you today, but unfortunately, now that I am married … I’ve been told to read this one instead.
When my wife says, "I'll do it later," I know it means 'after I finish this episode, or season, or series.
A 4-step guide to writing genuinely funny content
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen - A wedding speech is one of those rare occasions when you get the opportunity to publicly say how you feel about the people you really care about. So I’m going to devote the next couple of minutes paying tribute to some very special people indeed. Starting with the bar staff …
Marriage is all about teamwork; I make the plans, and my wife makes sure we stick to them!
The golden rule of wedding speech humour
I have been told that this is usually one of the only times in a married man’s life when he can be in the company of his wife and mother in-law and not be interrupted … I may be here sometime.
My wife and I often exchange opinions. I come with my own and leave with hers.
As I stand here, legally bound and emotionally outkicked, I want to say thanks.
First of all, I’d like to explain to some of the younger guests that just because the bride left the church with a different man to the one she arrived with, it doesn’t mean she changed her mind.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down!
Any classic anecdotes – First holiday disasters or revelations when you first moved in together
Now I know I’m not the first bridegroom to be a little anxious on his wedding day, but actually since it started I’ve felt pretty relaxed, because Linda’s so organised she’s thought of everything. She arranged for the car to take me to the church, collected my suit from the hire shop and worked all hours of last night to write my speech. Darling – can I have it now, please?
"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." —Winston Churchill
What strange things do you do?
How to open strong and end even stronger
What do you secretly love (or loathe) about each other?
Remember how I said I was lucky? Now I’m just grateful she showed up today.
Earlier I said she was a neat freak. Which is why this speech is laminated.
The stories that really sum up you or your partner’s personality – When you ‘lost’ the car or they made an omelette that was too spicy for you to eat
Marriage is built on love, trust, and knowing the exact tone your partner uses when they’re ‘not angry.’
How you got together – Did you lie on your Tinder profile and suggest you could play a decent game of tennis?

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Bride Jokes

I accidentally handed my husband a glue stick instead of a chapstick. He still isn't talking to me.
What can I say about my bridesmaids, the charming young ladies who did such a great job in helping me up the aisle … although I did come to the church of my own free will!
My husband and I have been married for over 25 years, and he still drives me crazy. Lucky for him, I’m an excellent navigator.
This is the happiest day of my entire life. And I know Paul’s quite pleased, because the morning he went from a sin-in-law to a son-in-law.
I asked my husband, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' He said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told him, 'How about the kitchen?'" —Henny Youngman
From the moment we got engaged I’ve been thinking about this wedding. I just wanted everything to be perfect and was determined not to overlook even the most insignificant detail. But I needn’t have worried, his best man made sure he was there.
I’m so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On the one hand, he does the laundry. On the other hand, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." —Molly McNearney
First of all I’d like to put the record straight as I understand there was a bet going on as to whether my father would have tears in his eyes when he walked me down the aisle this morning. He did have tears in his eyes, but that was because he was worrying over what he would say to his bank manager on Monday morning.
My husband said he wanted to spice things up. I told him to try the hot sauce!
I am thankful for everything my parents have ever done for me; the loving way they raised me, helping me through college, teaching me how to cook and clean the house – which they thought would come in handy just in case I couldn’t find a husband.
At this point I would like to present a gift to both of our mum’s. Tradition says we should give flowers, but Paul and I wanted to give you something more permanent. So we are getting you a tattoo each!
I’d like to thank the Reverend Grey for presiding over our wedding ceremony. I learned something new during the vows that I hadn’t realised before: that it’s ok to have sixteen husbands…four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer. So I appreciate that teaching.
I was never really aware of how much blood, sweat and tears went into arranging a wedding. Hours of discussion, debate and disagreement -- and finally he asked me to marry him.
Let me start by saying that I am very pleased that Paul asked me to marry him, because it would have been a shame to miss this get-together.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to thank all of you for being here today, especially since many of you knew that I'd probably want to say a few words -- it’s very touching that you still decided to come.

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General / Master of Ceremonies / Any Toast Jokes

Before you marry a person, you should first watch them use a computer with slow internet – that'll show you who they really are.
What did the groom say when his wedding was burglarized?“I’ve been robbed before, but this one took the cake.
Marriage: officially a team sport.
May all of your ups and downs be only in the bedroom.
You’re the Jim to my Pam.” – The Office
I cannoli be happy when I’m with you because you make life sweet.
By all means, marry; if you get a good wife/husband, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.— Socrates
I think we can all agree that it's been a fantastic day. But unfortunately that ends right here with my speech.
I’ve been instructed by the bride and groom to keep this speech smut-free, so if I come across any innuendo, I’ll whip it out immediately.
Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Jane, I expect you had a similar experience when David asked you to be his wife.
Real love is watching them eat the burnt bacon you 'accidentally' handed over without a single complaint.
Paul is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why Linda didn’t worry about introducing Paul to hers until today.
I promised to keep this speech clean and free of embarrassing stories. Unfortunately, that leaves me with about 30 seconds of material.
The couple have requested that I don't share any embarrassing stories... so that's it from me! Thanks for listening!
Here’s to you and here’s to me, I hope we never disagree. But if, perchance, we ever do, then here’s to me, to hell with you.
What is the best place to research wedding DJs? Wiki-wiki-wikipedia.
Put a ring on it, finally.
May your children be blessed with rich parents.
Donut forget to take a party favor.
Words can not espresso how much you mean to me. It's a whole latte love!
Grooms, once you get married, remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: "Yes, dear".
Can everyone hear me OK? If you can't hear me in the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing anything.
Helen please put your left hand flat on the table. Paul please place your hand on top of hers. Enjoy this moment Paul because it’s the first and last time in your marriage that you’ll have the upper hand.
Chapelle has a degree in English writing from Loyola University New Orleans.
They asked if I believed in love at first sight. Of course I do—it’s how I felt when I saw the dessert menu.
Paul and Linda began their relationship like a regular pair of love birds, by spending almost every moment together - during which time Linda tried to decide if she could do any better. And seeing as they made it this far, I can only assume Paul had her wings clipped.
Walking my daughter down the aisle was emotional. Not because I’m giving her away, but because I saw the final bill.
I'd like to begin my speech by giving the happy couple some relationship advice, but unfortunately I'm single and spend most of my time trying to coax my cat into little outfits/browsing Doctor Who fan sites/playing Rock Paper Scissors with Alexa.
You know you're killing it at the whole marriage malarkey when you ask your partner to pass you 'the thingymajig' and they know exactly what you mean.
What did the groom say when he spent $500 to rent a limousine, then realized he had to hire the driver separately?“I spent all that money, and I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Love is in full bloom… and full dress.
What do late nights, wild parties, and hanging out with friends on the weekend have in common? You won’t be able to do any of those things from now on. But congratulations on your wedding!
Wedding Puns That Stick: 40+ Funny Ideas for Favors, Speeches & More
What was the best part of the wedding? The reception; it really took the cake.
If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you.— Winnie the Pooh
The couple actually had a bit of trouble finding someone to make a speech today. They started by asking their funniest friend, and they said no. Then they asked their most charming friend, and they said no. After that, they asked their best-looking friend and, again, they said no. Then they asked me, and, after already turning them down three times, I couldn't refuse again.
When I saw Kate heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.
The couple asked that I don't share any embarrassing stories today... so that's it for me! Cheers to the newlyweds!
Our marriage runs on love, caffeine, and the understanding that there’s no such thing as "too much butter.
I will admit to you that I am slightly nervous making this speech in front of all these people. All day people have been coming up to me and wishing me luck. Someone even gave me flowers, which made me feel a little bit like I was the bride! Well, I say flowers, they looked more like a wreath.
As her maid of honor, I promised to be honest. So honestly, I’m surprised she found someone who matches her sock organizing system.
Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history - it's the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!
There's only one way to have a happy marriage... and as soon as I learn it, I'll get married again.
Did you hear the one about the soup at the wedding? It was broth-taking!
Happily ever after starts here.
Get laughs at the wedding using short, funny toasts like jokes about married life or memorable stories.
You’re the loaf of my life and my butter half — we’re really on a roll together!
The groom couldn’t stop making wedding puns during the ceremony. He said he was just “altar-ing” the mood.
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.— Aristotle
Gosh, what an emotional day it's been. Even the cake is in tiers!
Before proposing, William went to ask Kate’s father for her hand in marriage. He said that it was fine by him, providing William took the hand that had spent 25 years fishing into his wallet.
For butter or worse, a toast to the newlyweds!
I swore I married someone who didn’t snore. Turns out, they just held back until we signed the paperwork.
The groom is a very talented man. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd business man, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. He’s so talented he can fake all of that.
I’ve known the groom since college. That’s long enough to have dirt on him, but not long enough for the statute of limitations to expire.
It has been a very emotional day, as some of you must have noticed that even the cake is in tiers.
True love does not come from finding the perfect person, luckily for you guys.
D id you hear about the two cellphones that got married? The reception was excellent.
Just married, just magical.
Remember: In life there are only two tools anyone really needs in their toolbox—duct tape and WD40. Duct tape keeps things from moving when they shouldn’t, and WD40 gets things moving when they’re stuck.

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How to pick the right joke for your role

The tone shifts a lot by who's holding the microphone. Best man and groomsman material leans toward affectionate roasting — the groom can take it, and the room expects it. Maid of honour and bridesmaid material tends sentimental with a twist, built around real friendship rather than a roast. Father and mother of the bride or groom material is the warmest of the set — proud, a little emotional, jokes used to soften a moment rather than steal it. Groom and bride speeches work best self-deprecating, poking fun at yourself rather than your new spouse. When in doubt, read a few from your section out loud — the ones that make you smile, not just laugh, are usually the right call for family in the room.

How many jokes should go in a wedding speech?

Two or three is plenty. A speech stacked with one-liners back to back starts to feel like a list, not a speech — the jokes should be seasoning around real stories about the couple, not the main course. Pick your favourites from the section above, weave them around what you actually want to say, and read the whole thing out loud once before the day.

Wedding Speech Jokes: 350+ Lines by Role