A funny quote earns its place by being true first and funny second — the laugh is really relief that someone finally said it. Below are 37 funny quotes from real comedians, writers and wits, sorted by what they're actually about, so you can find one worth quoting instead of scrolling past forty you've already seen. Want jokes instead of quotes? Our Dad Joke Generator rolls a fresh one every tap.
Every line here is attributed to whoever actually said it — no movie dialogue, no misquotes drifting around the internet with the wrong name attached. If it's here, a real person said it.
Some call this genre humor quotes, some call it funny quotes about life — same pool either way, sorted below by what they're actually about.
Short funny quotes about life
Short humor quotes about life — the ones brief enough to actually remember.
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
- “Reality continues to ruin my life.” — Bill Watterson
- “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” — Quentin Crisp
- “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball
- “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
- “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” — Mark Twain
- “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
- “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” — Mae West
- “Instant gratification takes too long.” — Carrie Fisher
Sarcastic funny quotes
Delivered flat, meant sincerely, land like a punchline anyway.
- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin
- “Don’t be so humble — you're not that great.” — Golda Meir
- “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” — Judith Martin
- “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” — Oscar Wilde
- “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
- “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” — Jack Handey
- “I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb, and I also know that I'm not blonde.” — Dolly Parton
- “Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres
- “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx
Funny work quotes
For the away-day, the group chat, or the wall of a cubicle.
- “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
- “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
- “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
- “When in doubt, look intelligent.” — Garrison Keillor
- “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude MacDonald
- “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi
- “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
Funny quotes about getting older
The ones that get funnier the closer you get to needing them.
- “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” — John Mortimer
- “You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller
- “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt
- “You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers
- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.” — Norman Wisdom
- “Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.” — Yogi Berra
- “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man, there's your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David
Quotes about having a sense of humour
The bonus round: what people who study comedy actually say about it.
- “Humor is reason gone mad.” — Groucho Marx
- “Wit is the lowest form of humor.” — Alexander Pope
- “A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.” — Doug Larson
Why a funny quote lands harder than a joke
It's true first. A joke is built to be funny; a quote is usually just someone being honest with better timing than the rest of us. That honesty is what makes it worth repeating, not just laughing at once.
It comes with a name attached. A joke belongs to everyone. A quote belongs to the person who said it, which is why citing it correctly matters — the wrong name attached to a good line is one of the most common ways misinformation spreads online.
Short ones survive, long ones don't. Every quote on this page is one or two sentences. A funny observation that takes a paragraph to land rarely gets requoted; the ones that spread are the ones that fit in a caption.
Where to find more
For jokes rather than quotes, the Dad Joke Generator never runs dry, and the Bad Jokes collection covers the ones so weak they come back round to funny. For quotable lines with a sharper edge, the Good Roasts list is worth a look too.